We sang this is church on Sunday. I don't think I have ever heard this song before. The chorus goes something like this:
"His love is deep
His love is strong
His love is wide
It covers us
His love is fierce
His love is furious
His love is sweet
His love is wild
Its waking hearts tonight!"
Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do!"
John 15:4 "Remain in me and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."
The more completelyI devote myself to God, the more freely I can love people
"Enjoy the adventure of finding yourself through loosing yourself in God"
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Journal in the Cloud part 2
My continual and ongoing hope and prayer for my relationship with God is to never forget him in the good and the bad. I find that in the good self-reliance is a huge challenge of mine. It has been heavy on my thoughts and prayers recently. Today I open My Jesus calling book again.
"Trust Me with every fiber of your being! What I can accomplish in and through you is proportional to how much you depend on Me. One aspect of this is the degree to which you trust Me in a crisis or major decision. Some people fail miserably here, while others are at their best in tough times (UMMM - this is me!) Another aspect is even more telling: the constancy of your trust me Me. People who rely on Me in the midst of adversity may forget about Me when life is flowing smoothly (UMMM - me again!). Difficult times can jolt you into awareness if your need for me whereas smooth sailing can lull you into the stupor of self-sufficiency (Me again!).
I care as much about your tiny trust-steps through daily life as about your dramatic leaps of faith. You may think that no one notices, but the One who is always beside you sees everything--and rejoices. Consistently trusting in Me is vital to flourishing in My Presence."
Psalms 40:4 "Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods."
Psalms 56:3-4 "When I am afraid I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"
Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal!"
"Trust Me with every fiber of your being! What I can accomplish in and through you is proportional to how much you depend on Me. One aspect of this is the degree to which you trust Me in a crisis or major decision. Some people fail miserably here, while others are at their best in tough times (UMMM - this is me!) Another aspect is even more telling: the constancy of your trust me Me. People who rely on Me in the midst of adversity may forget about Me when life is flowing smoothly (UMMM - me again!). Difficult times can jolt you into awareness if your need for me whereas smooth sailing can lull you into the stupor of self-sufficiency (Me again!).
I care as much about your tiny trust-steps through daily life as about your dramatic leaps of faith. You may think that no one notices, but the One who is always beside you sees everything--and rejoices. Consistently trusting in Me is vital to flourishing in My Presence."
Psalms 40:4 "Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods."
Psalms 56:3-4 "When I am afraid I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"
Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal!"
Friday, December 28, 2012
Pslams 89:15
"Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim You, who walk in the light of you presence, O LORD."
Thursday, December 27, 2012
My journal in the cloud
This morning during my walk (when I try to have time with God) my mind could not stay focused. Last night before I went to bed; the same thing. During my walk all I could say for a long time over and over again was "Jesus, come Holy Spirit, come Jesus, Come Lord." After a good deal of time I could only think that I don't want to loose my closeness, intimacy and even raw emotions that I have experienced with God. As my life is moving to another chapter - I feel this chapter is going to be so much different than things have been. Good! But in the good I don't want to loose sight of God. I don't want to forget how faithful he's been in the challenging times of life. Would it be better to hold on to the hard to keep God? I need to move forward and keep God. All of it doesn't matter (good or bad) if I don't have God. I must have God. My relationship with him must be intimate; I need it! I must not forget the closeness, intimacy and raw emotions that I have experienced with God.
Isaiah 64:4,5 "Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him. You come to the help of those who gladly do right, who remember your ways."
John 15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." - I have continued to hope that whatever my next steps are vocationally that my closeness with Jesus will bring me greatness - not because of me - but because of him. I have felt this a lot in my work. Things go so well where I work - so well that it's obviously not ME! It's God. Whatever I do next - I want that to continue. I even want it to grow.
Psalms 36: 9,10 "For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light. Continue your love to those who know you, your righteousness to the upright in heart."
December 27th - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
"I am preparing you for what is on the road ahead, just around the bend. Take time to be still in My Presence so that I can strengthen you. The busier you become, the more you need this time apart with Me. So many people think that time spent with Me is a luxury they cannot afford. As a result, they live and work in their own strength - until that becomes depleted. Then they either cry out to Me for help or turn away in bitterness.
How much better it is to walk close to me, depending on My strength and trusting Me in every situation. If you live in this way, you will do less but accomplish far more. Your unhurried pace of living will stand out in this rush-crazed age. Some people may deem you lazy, but many more will be blessed by your peacefulness. Walk in the Light with Me, and you will reflect Me to the watching world."
That last paragraph is what I desperately want with God. I need God for THIS!!!!
Isaiah 64:4,5 "Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him. You come to the help of those who gladly do right, who remember your ways."
John 15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." - I have continued to hope that whatever my next steps are vocationally that my closeness with Jesus will bring me greatness - not because of me - but because of him. I have felt this a lot in my work. Things go so well where I work - so well that it's obviously not ME! It's God. Whatever I do next - I want that to continue. I even want it to grow.
Psalms 36: 9,10 "For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light. Continue your love to those who know you, your righteousness to the upright in heart."
December 27th - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
"I am preparing you for what is on the road ahead, just around the bend. Take time to be still in My Presence so that I can strengthen you. The busier you become, the more you need this time apart with Me. So many people think that time spent with Me is a luxury they cannot afford. As a result, they live and work in their own strength - until that becomes depleted. Then they either cry out to Me for help or turn away in bitterness.
How much better it is to walk close to me, depending on My strength and trusting Me in every situation. If you live in this way, you will do less but accomplish far more. Your unhurried pace of living will stand out in this rush-crazed age. Some people may deem you lazy, but many more will be blessed by your peacefulness. Walk in the Light with Me, and you will reflect Me to the watching world."
That last paragraph is what I desperately want with God. I need God for THIS!!!!
Monday, December 24, 2012
No Regrets
I was talking with my friend Marcia on the phone the other day. I was telling her all the things going on here. Dave has a good job, we are getting along beautifully with my parents, the kids are adjusting well, we are seeing more of extended family (my brother and aunt, uncle and cousins), I am able to spend more time with the kids. "So you don't have any regrets about moving?" she asked. I stopped - I hadn't thought about it in such a way before. "No, I said. No regrets!"
I really don't regret moving. As always, I must say I miss my job and my friends. I DON'T miss a lot of other things. I don't miss the burden of day care and paying for that and having my kids raised by others. I don't miss the burden of the cost of our house (that we couldn't afford). I don't miss Dave working a DEMANDING physical labor job at least 50 to 60 hours a week. I don't miss the feeling of loneliness that surrounded me frequently. I don't miss the cold (it's Christmas eve and we are wearing short sleeves and going to the park later - LOVE IT). I don't miss the sorrow. I find myself singing in the mornings. This morning (on Christmas eve) Dave had to work. We were both up before work (and the kids were asleep). Dave kept making noises in the kitchen - I thought he was talking to me. "I'm not talking, I'm singing" Dave said. WHAT JOY!
We are making new Christmas traditions. We had Christmas with my parents the day before they left (12/22) with my brother here. YAY! We had a great time cooking together and enjoying each other. Tomorrow - Christmas Day - Isaac (my brother) is coming over in the morning to have Christmas morning with us. Opening presents eating (of course) and playing together. Later in the day we will go to my Uncle Park and Aunt Sylvia's house - where there will be lots of kids for our to play with. historically we would have been alone by noon on Christmas. I love having a busy Christmas Day. WHAT JOY!
Tyler is off school until Jan 8th. It seems like a crazy long time - but I'm looking forward to spending some lazy days together with the three of us (me and the kids) or the four of us (me, my mom and the kids). Tyler's looking forward to a visit to the zoo!
The New Year - will bring a new a revised effort to find a job. I have two that I'm really in pursuit of over the next few weeks.
1. Houston Area Community Services (HACS) - I need to follow up about the "Director of Housing of Social Services" that I interviewed for. The hiring manager said she wouldn't be able to do anything until after the first of the year - due to her schedule and demands. I would do well at this job and slid in to it pretty easily - with a few challenges.
2. On Jan 2nd I have an interview for an Executive Director position at a free clinic in Katy. I feel the need to outline this - if just for my purposes. When I first arrived in Houston I went to a partnership meeting for free clinics. I met Pamela Cobb from Community Health Partners. She has been wonderful person and a great help to me. She has invited me to other collaborative meetings and introduced me to other people. A few weeks ago I went to another meeting - An FQHC was holding a tour of their clinic. So I went - with some resumes. What the heck. I met John Kajandar there. The first thing he said to me (after hearing I was new to Houston) was "Welcome Home". We talked a bit (about people that he knows from Columbus) and what my desires are here in Houston. I want to work with the uninsured and under insured (that would be my first desire, 2nd housing/shelter/homeless). John told me that he would take his resume and pass it on to others. I didn't get his e-mail - but he would e-mail me. This was on a Friday afternoon. I though "Sure, you won't even remember me Monday morning". Sure enough Monday afternoon I heard from John telling me that he knows the head of Community Health Partners (where Pamela Cobb works) named Ken Janda. John told me that Ken is also on the board of a free clinic called "Christ Clinic" and that Christ Clinic was looking for someone to head up the clinic. I wasn't sure what that meant - but I e-mailed Pamela and asked her if she knew Ken. She said his office was right next to hers and she said she put in a good word for me. Then I don't here anything for two weeks. Meanwhile - I pretty much forget about this and move on to applying and interviewing for other jobs. Then last week I got a call from Ken's administrative assistant inviting me to interview for the executive director position. WTF! I have never held such a position and really don't know what they are looking for - but this would be AMAZING. So - of course I say yes. So this whole story "feels" God designed for me. Although I don't pretend to know or understand God's plans - so if it doesn't work out - then it doesn't. But this is how it (even more) feels right. 1. The clinic is open Mon-Thur 9-3. not a lot of hours - although as the executive director my responsibilities would go beyond these open hours - but it could be a position that allows for fewer hours. 2. It's in Katy which is 25 miles out of Houston BUT close to where Dave is working (relatively) AND in a great school district AND with extremely affordable housing. 3. The position isn't even posted ANYWHERE - This board member has just invited me to interview - out of these few connections that I have made. I'm blown away. The concerns I have - 1. What do they expect of an executive director and can I realistically do it? (I guess I will find out more of that on Jan 2nd). 2. It will be a bit of a haul (with traffic) for my parents - I would rather be closer to them. - So - I'm just trying to enjoy today and yet anticipating this possibility.
I feel like I'm trying, praying and asking God to help me stay present and not "dream" about what isn't real yet. God is being faithful. I took a walk this morning early (it seemed like before the city was awake on this Christmas Eve morning) and was remembering and thinking about they ways I have been able to stay present (instead of fantasize). I enjoy life so much more when I stay present (imagine that). My mind then started to turn to the possibilities and imagine what life would be like in a house in Katy with a job there as well. Within a few minutes - I felt God pull me back. Thank you Holy Spirit for reminding me, guiding me and directing mye thoughts to the present. I need reminded so often. Hopefully (on a good day) I will continue to remain obedient.
Joy. Possibilities. Guidance. No regrets.
I really don't regret moving. As always, I must say I miss my job and my friends. I DON'T miss a lot of other things. I don't miss the burden of day care and paying for that and having my kids raised by others. I don't miss the burden of the cost of our house (that we couldn't afford). I don't miss Dave working a DEMANDING physical labor job at least 50 to 60 hours a week. I don't miss the feeling of loneliness that surrounded me frequently. I don't miss the cold (it's Christmas eve and we are wearing short sleeves and going to the park later - LOVE IT). I don't miss the sorrow. I find myself singing in the mornings. This morning (on Christmas eve) Dave had to work. We were both up before work (and the kids were asleep). Dave kept making noises in the kitchen - I thought he was talking to me. "I'm not talking, I'm singing" Dave said. WHAT JOY!
We are making new Christmas traditions. We had Christmas with my parents the day before they left (12/22) with my brother here. YAY! We had a great time cooking together and enjoying each other. Tomorrow - Christmas Day - Isaac (my brother) is coming over in the morning to have Christmas morning with us. Opening presents eating (of course) and playing together. Later in the day we will go to my Uncle Park and Aunt Sylvia's house - where there will be lots of kids for our to play with. historically we would have been alone by noon on Christmas. I love having a busy Christmas Day. WHAT JOY!
Tyler is off school until Jan 8th. It seems like a crazy long time - but I'm looking forward to spending some lazy days together with the three of us (me and the kids) or the four of us (me, my mom and the kids). Tyler's looking forward to a visit to the zoo!
The New Year - will bring a new a revised effort to find a job. I have two that I'm really in pursuit of over the next few weeks.
1. Houston Area Community Services (HACS) - I need to follow up about the "Director of Housing of Social Services" that I interviewed for. The hiring manager said she wouldn't be able to do anything until after the first of the year - due to her schedule and demands. I would do well at this job and slid in to it pretty easily - with a few challenges.
2. On Jan 2nd I have an interview for an Executive Director position at a free clinic in Katy. I feel the need to outline this - if just for my purposes. When I first arrived in Houston I went to a partnership meeting for free clinics. I met Pamela Cobb from Community Health Partners. She has been wonderful person and a great help to me. She has invited me to other collaborative meetings and introduced me to other people. A few weeks ago I went to another meeting - An FQHC was holding a tour of their clinic. So I went - with some resumes. What the heck. I met John Kajandar there. The first thing he said to me (after hearing I was new to Houston) was "Welcome Home". We talked a bit (about people that he knows from Columbus) and what my desires are here in Houston. I want to work with the uninsured and under insured (that would be my first desire, 2nd housing/shelter/homeless). John told me that he would take his resume and pass it on to others. I didn't get his e-mail - but he would e-mail me. This was on a Friday afternoon. I though "Sure, you won't even remember me Monday morning". Sure enough Monday afternoon I heard from John telling me that he knows the head of Community Health Partners (where Pamela Cobb works) named Ken Janda. John told me that Ken is also on the board of a free clinic called "Christ Clinic" and that Christ Clinic was looking for someone to head up the clinic. I wasn't sure what that meant - but I e-mailed Pamela and asked her if she knew Ken. She said his office was right next to hers and she said she put in a good word for me. Then I don't here anything for two weeks. Meanwhile - I pretty much forget about this and move on to applying and interviewing for other jobs. Then last week I got a call from Ken's administrative assistant inviting me to interview for the executive director position. WTF! I have never held such a position and really don't know what they are looking for - but this would be AMAZING. So - of course I say yes. So this whole story "feels" God designed for me. Although I don't pretend to know or understand God's plans - so if it doesn't work out - then it doesn't. But this is how it (even more) feels right. 1. The clinic is open Mon-Thur 9-3. not a lot of hours - although as the executive director my responsibilities would go beyond these open hours - but it could be a position that allows for fewer hours. 2. It's in Katy which is 25 miles out of Houston BUT close to where Dave is working (relatively) AND in a great school district AND with extremely affordable housing. 3. The position isn't even posted ANYWHERE - This board member has just invited me to interview - out of these few connections that I have made. I'm blown away. The concerns I have - 1. What do they expect of an executive director and can I realistically do it? (I guess I will find out more of that on Jan 2nd). 2. It will be a bit of a haul (with traffic) for my parents - I would rather be closer to them. - So - I'm just trying to enjoy today and yet anticipating this possibility.
I feel like I'm trying, praying and asking God to help me stay present and not "dream" about what isn't real yet. God is being faithful. I took a walk this morning early (it seemed like before the city was awake on this Christmas Eve morning) and was remembering and thinking about they ways I have been able to stay present (instead of fantasize). I enjoy life so much more when I stay present (imagine that). My mind then started to turn to the possibilities and imagine what life would be like in a house in Katy with a job there as well. Within a few minutes - I felt God pull me back. Thank you Holy Spirit for reminding me, guiding me and directing mye thoughts to the present. I need reminded so often. Hopefully (on a good day) I will continue to remain obedient.
Joy. Possibilities. Guidance. No regrets.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Blessings and sorrows intermingle
I feel like my life is full of the intermingling of blessings and sorrows. I'm greatful that I'm feeling, seeing and understanding the blessings more easily. Over the last year I knew there were blessings there, but I had to strain really hard to see them through the sorrow. If I pushed back the vail of sorrow, squinted my eyes and focused then I could have pulled some blessings out.
Now I feel like blessings and sorrows are flowing and intermingling.
Just a few practical things. The week before Dave got his job:
The car wouldn't start one afternoon. Dave had been driving it just an hour before and it was fine - but all of a sudden it just wouldn't start. We have left our lights on several times over the last year - so we though it was the battery. Dave took the battery out and took it to a car supply shop (AUTO ZONE or something) and they said the battery was fine. My pressure started to rise. My step dad came home that evening and guess what? They worked on the car for about an hour - replaced a fuse and THAT WAS IT! It only cost a few bucks!!! BLESSINGS!
A few days later Dave and I were taking Micah to the park (Dave's last day off during the week) and the tire to the van was FLAT - COMPLETELY FLAT! These tires are less than 3 months old. Dave, Micah and I changed the tire. Dave insisted that we take it to NTB where we got the tires. They fixed it for free. BLESSINGS!
Dave's new job started last week. We are so excited to have him working at such a great place - Sysco foods. Insurance starts right away (which is huge for us) and things seem very great at the work place. I have not found a job yet - I am really feeling disjointed and sad about the whole thing. I keep praying about it and I feel like God just really wants me to be present in the moments that I have right now - enjoying cooking, being with my kids, riding bikes, playing in parks and relaxing. I am so conflicted and having such a hard time (as I usually do) keeping my mind in the presence. I keep wishing and dreaming for the job that I want. I keep hoping for something great. I am pretty certain (living with faith intermingled with doubt) that God will bring the perfect job for me at the right moment. I am pretty sure that it will probably come sometime in January. It's so hard to find job postings and get someone to interview me in the middle of this holiday season. Until that time I need to press on and continue to apply AND be at peace and enjoy the time with my kids. Over the last year I have continually MORNED the fact that I missed my kids so much - they were in day care 9 hours a day and I was so sad about that. I am enjoying my children - being with them is so fun right now. I get a whole week with them to myself the week of Christmas. All this is very exciting for me. In the midst of wanting to enjoy my kids and the moments that I have with them I find my mind wandering. Thinking, wishing and hoping about a job. Thinking, wishing and hoping about a house. My mind, my imagination - is simply my sin that steals my joy.
Today I can say is a good day. Sometimes I see blessings EVERYWHERE - I don't even have to strain or work hard to enjoy life or the blessings that God is bringing to us here. Then there are times I feel like I'm a total emotional mess. Sometimes I don't feel like I don't have a purpose here. Dave is working, Tyler is at school and when my mom is home - Micah just wants her. So once I have applied for all the jobs that I can - what is my purpose? What am I to do? Why am I here? I NEED to be working. I miss my job in Ohio. I miss my friends; I even miss my house; my furniture.
I am hoping and waiting for one job with HACS - Houston Area Community Services. A combination Housing and Medical services agency. I have interviewed and applied for the Director of Housing Services. The supervisor said that they wouldn't be able to do anything until after the first of the year.
This week I have two more interviews - at places that I'm not so excited about - BUT - I could love it; once I interview and hear the benefits or something. I'll wait and see.
Now I feel like blessings and sorrows are flowing and intermingling.
Just a few practical things. The week before Dave got his job:
The car wouldn't start one afternoon. Dave had been driving it just an hour before and it was fine - but all of a sudden it just wouldn't start. We have left our lights on several times over the last year - so we though it was the battery. Dave took the battery out and took it to a car supply shop (AUTO ZONE or something) and they said the battery was fine. My pressure started to rise. My step dad came home that evening and guess what? They worked on the car for about an hour - replaced a fuse and THAT WAS IT! It only cost a few bucks!!! BLESSINGS!
A few days later Dave and I were taking Micah to the park (Dave's last day off during the week) and the tire to the van was FLAT - COMPLETELY FLAT! These tires are less than 3 months old. Dave, Micah and I changed the tire. Dave insisted that we take it to NTB where we got the tires. They fixed it for free. BLESSINGS!
Dave's new job started last week. We are so excited to have him working at such a great place - Sysco foods. Insurance starts right away (which is huge for us) and things seem very great at the work place. I have not found a job yet - I am really feeling disjointed and sad about the whole thing. I keep praying about it and I feel like God just really wants me to be present in the moments that I have right now - enjoying cooking, being with my kids, riding bikes, playing in parks and relaxing. I am so conflicted and having such a hard time (as I usually do) keeping my mind in the presence. I keep wishing and dreaming for the job that I want. I keep hoping for something great. I am pretty certain (living with faith intermingled with doubt) that God will bring the perfect job for me at the right moment. I am pretty sure that it will probably come sometime in January. It's so hard to find job postings and get someone to interview me in the middle of this holiday season. Until that time I need to press on and continue to apply AND be at peace and enjoy the time with my kids. Over the last year I have continually MORNED the fact that I missed my kids so much - they were in day care 9 hours a day and I was so sad about that. I am enjoying my children - being with them is so fun right now. I get a whole week with them to myself the week of Christmas. All this is very exciting for me. In the midst of wanting to enjoy my kids and the moments that I have with them I find my mind wandering. Thinking, wishing and hoping about a job. Thinking, wishing and hoping about a house. My mind, my imagination - is simply my sin that steals my joy.
Today I can say is a good day. Sometimes I see blessings EVERYWHERE - I don't even have to strain or work hard to enjoy life or the blessings that God is bringing to us here. Then there are times I feel like I'm a total emotional mess. Sometimes I don't feel like I don't have a purpose here. Dave is working, Tyler is at school and when my mom is home - Micah just wants her. So once I have applied for all the jobs that I can - what is my purpose? What am I to do? Why am I here? I NEED to be working. I miss my job in Ohio. I miss my friends; I even miss my house; my furniture.
I am hoping and waiting for one job with HACS - Houston Area Community Services. A combination Housing and Medical services agency. I have interviewed and applied for the Director of Housing Services. The supervisor said that they wouldn't be able to do anything until after the first of the year.
This week I have two more interviews - at places that I'm not so excited about - BUT - I could love it; once I interview and hear the benefits or something. I'll wait and see.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Learning the Landscape
Today I was remembering that I haven't lived anywhere except Ohio since I was 4. Either in the small town of Fredericktown or Bowling Green or Columbus. I have never considered myself a "sheltered" person before. I have traveled to various countries, oversees and lots of different places within the United States. But a visit, even a long one isn't the same as living somewhere.
People: I find that so many people here are so amazingly nice. Genuinely nice and happy. Many people have asked if it's the "southern hospitality" that people seem to believe about people from the south. My mom says that it's because people get more sunlight and therefore are generally happier. I'm not sure what it is, but I like it. :) I have two people in the "social services" realm that are really helping me. Tommy Thompson (an executive director of a small agency helping people obtain IDs) and Patty Cobb (a director of a health care agency) have given me their time, wisdom and connections to help with my job search.
Places: This city is so big and complex at the same time. Practically the opposite of what we are used to (in city layout). 1. The closer you live to the downtown area the more expensive it is and the farther out you live the less expensive it is (with a few exceptions). 2. On the south side of Houston is a few "neighborhoods" that I have visited. When I'm in these neighborhoods I feel like I'm in the middle of a movie or TV show. These neighborhoods don't even get "real" names(typical of extremely poor neighborhoods) - they are called "The Wards" - The 3rd Ward, 4th Ward and 5th Wards. The extreme poverty in these neighborhoods is amazing. The size of just these 3 Wards is equivalent to the size of Columbus. It's overwhelming. Yet when I go there I find that a pleasure center is triggered in my mind. Not because people live in such poverty; but because I might get a chance to interact with people that are different then I am and are amazing survivors. As I drive through these neighborhoods I find myself feeling like I could be in the middle of a movie - tiny homes (probably one bedroom) built beside each other - row after row after row. Some appear extremely unlivable (yet - people are probably living in them) and some are kept very nice with a white fence around them, lawn ornaments and a little old lady in the front attending to her yard or on her porch. Just about ten miles away from these "wards" are some of the richest neighborhood I have ever been in - multi-million dollar homes (easily) - "This is where the Bush's live" my mom says. The extreme wealth and extreme poverty contrast is unbelievable.
Things: Our neighborhood is known (citywide) for it's Christmas lights show. It's fun to walk through the neighborhood and see new set of lights out each night. Whole culdisacs are decked out with Christmas Themes (Christmas around the world and such). It's fun.
The employment culture here is great. Although I hear people talk about how (in abstract) people are affected by the recession, I don't see it. Not like in Columbus. Houses sell so fast here and there are so few for sale. Most "for sale" signs in peoples yard either have a "sold" or "in contract" sign on them. Dave has had so many interviews (and has found a job) and I continue to have contacts/interviews and job postings to respond to.
This place is starting to feel a little more like "home" to me.
People: I find that so many people here are so amazingly nice. Genuinely nice and happy. Many people have asked if it's the "southern hospitality" that people seem to believe about people from the south. My mom says that it's because people get more sunlight and therefore are generally happier. I'm not sure what it is, but I like it. :) I have two people in the "social services" realm that are really helping me. Tommy Thompson (an executive director of a small agency helping people obtain IDs) and Patty Cobb (a director of a health care agency) have given me their time, wisdom and connections to help with my job search.
Places: This city is so big and complex at the same time. Practically the opposite of what we are used to (in city layout). 1. The closer you live to the downtown area the more expensive it is and the farther out you live the less expensive it is (with a few exceptions). 2. On the south side of Houston is a few "neighborhoods" that I have visited. When I'm in these neighborhoods I feel like I'm in the middle of a movie or TV show. These neighborhoods don't even get "real" names(typical of extremely poor neighborhoods) - they are called "The Wards" - The 3rd Ward, 4th Ward and 5th Wards. The extreme poverty in these neighborhoods is amazing. The size of just these 3 Wards is equivalent to the size of Columbus. It's overwhelming. Yet when I go there I find that a pleasure center is triggered in my mind. Not because people live in such poverty; but because I might get a chance to interact with people that are different then I am and are amazing survivors. As I drive through these neighborhoods I find myself feeling like I could be in the middle of a movie - tiny homes (probably one bedroom) built beside each other - row after row after row. Some appear extremely unlivable (yet - people are probably living in them) and some are kept very nice with a white fence around them, lawn ornaments and a little old lady in the front attending to her yard or on her porch. Just about ten miles away from these "wards" are some of the richest neighborhood I have ever been in - multi-million dollar homes (easily) - "This is where the Bush's live" my mom says. The extreme wealth and extreme poverty contrast is unbelievable.
Things: Our neighborhood is known (citywide) for it's Christmas lights show. It's fun to walk through the neighborhood and see new set of lights out each night. Whole culdisacs are decked out with Christmas Themes (Christmas around the world and such). It's fun.
The employment culture here is great. Although I hear people talk about how (in abstract) people are affected by the recession, I don't see it. Not like in Columbus. Houses sell so fast here and there are so few for sale. Most "for sale" signs in peoples yard either have a "sold" or "in contract" sign on them. Dave has had so many interviews (and has found a job) and I continue to have contacts/interviews and job postings to respond to.
This place is starting to feel a little more like "home" to me.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Not sure where to begin
Do you ever have a time when you feel like so much is going on and yet so little is really happening, all at the very same time?
Just over 1 week ago I moved here to Houston; this seems like such a long time ago. I still am not here, fully here in Texas. But that is growing. Many times when we are out I talk about where we are staying as "Grandma and Grandpa's house" - everyone else calls it home. I think I finally caught myself calling this place "home".
This week - Thanksgiving week - I find many things to be thankful for. Family - WOW! That is obvious. But this year I get to be with my closest family. This is exciting for me. I really have wanted this for a long time (although I wanted my parents to move to Ohio - not the other way around).
A few months ago I was praying and had a vision about my relationship with my husband. In this vision I saw myself fading in to the background and blending in to some (rather unpleasant looking) wallpaper. That isn't (I don't think) the most important part of this vision (although it's the part that scares me the most). The most important part of this vision was that Dave was being lifted up and a light was shining on him and from him. It is Dave's time to shine. Can I just tell you - Dave is being primed right here in the house of his in-laws to shine brighter and brighter. THIS is how and where he is shining. He is so happy here. He is so relaxed, confident, secure.....happy. I can't explain it fully. He has always said that "we'll have a better quality of life if we live in Houston, close to your parents." I feel this is truer now than I have ever thought. THIS is bringing Dave a better quality of life. This is so good for him. The parental guidance, love, care and concern that he is getting from my parents is the best he has ever gotten. It's what he has always wanted and needed. NOW he has it and it's amazing. Praise God. This is humbling and challenging for me - feeling like I should have been able to create this atmosphere for him where he could have a higher/better quality of life. Shouldn't I have loved and encouraged him enough to do this for him? I feel I have failed him in this way. YET many times I have said (and would still say) - I don't want to be his mother. It is sweet to hear Dave call my mom "mom".
So, now Tyler is here with me and my thoughts will be more distracted.
There are things that I continue to hope for - to make me feel more secure here. Security - right - that is what I want. I can say, that I used to feel extremely guilty for wanting security. The Christian life isn't supposed to be easy, comfortable - we always say as "American Christians" to challenge us to be OK with not having everything we want. But you know what - security and wanting that for me and my family is a GOOD thing. God wants to give GOOD gifts to his kids. So I'm going to continue to ask for this.
Today I have felt a little board, lazy (something that I wanted to feel once I got here - since I feel like I have worked my ass off so much over the last year). So it came - with a little guilt but more of a sense from God....that for now (although I don't think this will be for long) this is a season. Enjoy this season of life being slower. I WILL enjoy this. I am enjoying life being a bit slow and easier (when it comes to work especially).
The emotions are still more challenging. The desire to see our house sold. Jobs and financial security. The ability to pay off mounds of medical bills would be great. But there is progress.
1. The house has a final close date (this is our 2nd final close date - just to remind you) of 11/26. This would be amazing. We wouldn't have to pay our mortgage for December - which we really don't have the $$ to do.
2. I had an interview this week with a statewide advocacy agency The Immunization Partnership....Director of Operations. I interviewed with the executive director and at the end of the interview she went on and on about how she really wants to fill the position but only wants the right person, has been waiting for the right person and won't settle for just anyone; explained the process (next step is to interview with the rest of the small staff) and then offered me the next step interview. I'm not totally geeked about the area of service, but an admin job like this could get me a lot of excellent next step experience in my career. The Director of Operations is a new position and is the 2nd in command at this statewide agency that is rapidly growing. Monday I interview with all the staff in Houston and another day next week I will have a phone interview with the Austin staff. After that (if I make it past this mark) I would interview with the Board of Directors. Crazy really.
3. Dave's job interview process continues to be hopeful. Several agencies are interested in possibly placing him in a position - but since it's the holiday weekend he has been told not to expect to hear anything this week. This is hopeful. I'm hoping that something really pans out for him that is just the job he needs.
So above are the continued and ongoing prayer lists that we have. In addition - friends, good health (everyone, except Tyler, in this house has been on an antibiotic at least once in the last month) and most importatnly continued communion with God!
Blessings!
Just over 1 week ago I moved here to Houston; this seems like such a long time ago. I still am not here, fully here in Texas. But that is growing. Many times when we are out I talk about where we are staying as "Grandma and Grandpa's house" - everyone else calls it home. I think I finally caught myself calling this place "home".
This week - Thanksgiving week - I find many things to be thankful for. Family - WOW! That is obvious. But this year I get to be with my closest family. This is exciting for me. I really have wanted this for a long time (although I wanted my parents to move to Ohio - not the other way around).
A few months ago I was praying and had a vision about my relationship with my husband. In this vision I saw myself fading in to the background and blending in to some (rather unpleasant looking) wallpaper. That isn't (I don't think) the most important part of this vision (although it's the part that scares me the most). The most important part of this vision was that Dave was being lifted up and a light was shining on him and from him. It is Dave's time to shine. Can I just tell you - Dave is being primed right here in the house of his in-laws to shine brighter and brighter. THIS is how and where he is shining. He is so happy here. He is so relaxed, confident, secure.....happy. I can't explain it fully. He has always said that "we'll have a better quality of life if we live in Houston, close to your parents." I feel this is truer now than I have ever thought. THIS is bringing Dave a better quality of life. This is so good for him. The parental guidance, love, care and concern that he is getting from my parents is the best he has ever gotten. It's what he has always wanted and needed. NOW he has it and it's amazing. Praise God. This is humbling and challenging for me - feeling like I should have been able to create this atmosphere for him where he could have a higher/better quality of life. Shouldn't I have loved and encouraged him enough to do this for him? I feel I have failed him in this way. YET many times I have said (and would still say) - I don't want to be his mother. It is sweet to hear Dave call my mom "mom".
So, now Tyler is here with me and my thoughts will be more distracted.
There are things that I continue to hope for - to make me feel more secure here. Security - right - that is what I want. I can say, that I used to feel extremely guilty for wanting security. The Christian life isn't supposed to be easy, comfortable - we always say as "American Christians" to challenge us to be OK with not having everything we want. But you know what - security and wanting that for me and my family is a GOOD thing. God wants to give GOOD gifts to his kids. So I'm going to continue to ask for this.
Today I have felt a little board, lazy (something that I wanted to feel once I got here - since I feel like I have worked my ass off so much over the last year). So it came - with a little guilt but more of a sense from God....that for now (although I don't think this will be for long) this is a season. Enjoy this season of life being slower. I WILL enjoy this. I am enjoying life being a bit slow and easier (when it comes to work especially).
The emotions are still more challenging. The desire to see our house sold. Jobs and financial security. The ability to pay off mounds of medical bills would be great. But there is progress.
1. The house has a final close date (this is our 2nd final close date - just to remind you) of 11/26. This would be amazing. We wouldn't have to pay our mortgage for December - which we really don't have the $$ to do.
2. I had an interview this week with a statewide advocacy agency The Immunization Partnership....Director of Operations. I interviewed with the executive director and at the end of the interview she went on and on about how she really wants to fill the position but only wants the right person, has been waiting for the right person and won't settle for just anyone; explained the process (next step is to interview with the rest of the small staff) and then offered me the next step interview. I'm not totally geeked about the area of service, but an admin job like this could get me a lot of excellent next step experience in my career. The Director of Operations is a new position and is the 2nd in command at this statewide agency that is rapidly growing. Monday I interview with all the staff in Houston and another day next week I will have a phone interview with the Austin staff. After that (if I make it past this mark) I would interview with the Board of Directors. Crazy really.
3. Dave's job interview process continues to be hopeful. Several agencies are interested in possibly placing him in a position - but since it's the holiday weekend he has been told not to expect to hear anything this week. This is hopeful. I'm hoping that something really pans out for him that is just the job he needs.
So above are the continued and ongoing prayer lists that we have. In addition - friends, good health (everyone, except Tyler, in this house has been on an antibiotic at least once in the last month) and most importatnly continued communion with God!
Blessings!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Week 1
One week ago today (7 days and 12 hours to be exact) I was leaving Columbus, Ohio to make the LONG journey to move myself (and join my family) in Houston, Texas. Although the trip took us 18 hours to drive (and one marvelous night in a hotel) the journey is not over.
Thinking of Ohio:
I talk about Ohio as if I'm still there. I am, in may ways still there emotionally. My dearest and nearest friends live there. I'm thinking about Heidi tonight, and that the last time I saw her at her house she (of course) made me and the kids a delicious chocolate cake with the best icing ever. Her kids and mine played so wonderfully (as usually) and we enjoyed each other and the kids. Tonight, as we were playing with our kids, I thought about the friends that I and my children have left behind. Tyler and Micah may not remember them - but I will. My heart aches for Heidi, now. Tomorrow night some of my best girlfriends in Ohio will be gathering to share and pray. I will not get to join them. Carol - I so miss you - the many wonderful things that you are. You are so smart, a wonderful mother an excellent servant and lover of God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I'm sure you will be getting some words from God tomorrow at group. I will miss hearing and seeing how God speaks through you. Maureen, each and every time I interact with you - I am blown away by how genuine and positive you are - at the same time. I strive to be like you. Erin - oh sweet Erin - you are so amazing - always wanting for something more for yourself and for the others around you. You though you may not know it - have IT. I feel like that whatever it is you continue to strive for YOU have IT. I experienced it when you spent time with me, made me dinner and called me during one of the darkest times in my life. Unconditional love!
I've thought so many times about my job. The most amazing job. The people I have left behind there (both colleagues and clients) and how I continue to be touched by them. I just want to fly back and forth every week and still work there. What was I thinking leaving this job? I hope and pray that I find something I can love and do as well. Oh THIS job - can anything compare? The volunteers and medical professionals I wish I could see one more time.
Doctor's. I just want to take Tyler to see Dr. Ali Carine - one last time (or forever). As Tyler progressing in school and I feel the demands that the specialists wish for him; I just wish for one more encounter with Ali - with the wonderful OMT that she does. He needs another adjustment!! :)
Living in Houston:
The things that I have experienced this week are way different than I have ever expected. That is the way life is though, right?
Employment: I thought that I practically had a job set up for me to slip in to in the next couple of weeks. The job/program itself is an absolute mess. The agency really needs someone to come in and improve/grow the program. I totally can do this for them. It's not as hard as they think. They just haven't had the right person to do it. The PROBLEM is the main reason they haven't had a good person (or been fully staffed) is because their cheapest health insurance for a family costs $22,000 + a year - total out of cost pocket for the employee. WTF - really? Unf**ing believable. I could maybe swallow this if I was making $100,000 a year. But the $22,000 is over 50% of the income that I would receive. This, I think is totally unethical! So we have to re-evaluate. I'm not sure if I'm going to turn down the job - but I'm certainly not going to take their SHIT insurance and I'm going to let them know - I think what they are doing is TOTALLY unethical! Maybe they'll change their minds about employing me :)
Living situation: Living with my parents has been amazing. Truly a blessing and very fun. Tonight my mom said that she feels like I'm doing all the work around the house and she's hardly doing anything. Yet I feel the same. Communal living - that's how it works. Everyone pitches in a bit and then the load seems much lighter. I've always liked the thought of communal living. Now actually doing it is great!!!! (one week in to it!) - I hope I won't have a hard time once I have to give it up.
Friends: Right - I don't have friends here. But today Tyler's school had a "clean up the school" day (or something like that) and we went. It was held by the PTA - something I have totally tried to avoid. But these people were some of the nicest and most inviting people I have met (maybe they just want me to join the PTA - I don't know). They asked about us, they shared job information and Oh my God in Heaven above - they were the most egalitarian group I have worked alongside in a long time. Men carrying babies, women lugging mulch. It was great to see these people at work. I'm actually going to go to a PTA meeting as a result (mostly because Tyler will be singing with his class on stage afterwards) but hey - I want to see these people again. It was fun!
Prayer requests - Please pray that we find jobs that will really work with our schedule and medical needs. Pray that medical insurance. Please pray about our stupid house in Ohio. It still hasn't closed. It feels so - distant and minor - not that we aren't there. But really - this has to sell or we will have to rent it. This can't go on forever!
As - always there could be much more to share and there will be more to come!
Thinking of Ohio:
I talk about Ohio as if I'm still there. I am, in may ways still there emotionally. My dearest and nearest friends live there. I'm thinking about Heidi tonight, and that the last time I saw her at her house she (of course) made me and the kids a delicious chocolate cake with the best icing ever. Her kids and mine played so wonderfully (as usually) and we enjoyed each other and the kids. Tonight, as we were playing with our kids, I thought about the friends that I and my children have left behind. Tyler and Micah may not remember them - but I will. My heart aches for Heidi, now. Tomorrow night some of my best girlfriends in Ohio will be gathering to share and pray. I will not get to join them. Carol - I so miss you - the many wonderful things that you are. You are so smart, a wonderful mother an excellent servant and lover of God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I'm sure you will be getting some words from God tomorrow at group. I will miss hearing and seeing how God speaks through you. Maureen, each and every time I interact with you - I am blown away by how genuine and positive you are - at the same time. I strive to be like you. Erin - oh sweet Erin - you are so amazing - always wanting for something more for yourself and for the others around you. You though you may not know it - have IT. I feel like that whatever it is you continue to strive for YOU have IT. I experienced it when you spent time with me, made me dinner and called me during one of the darkest times in my life. Unconditional love!
I've thought so many times about my job. The most amazing job. The people I have left behind there (both colleagues and clients) and how I continue to be touched by them. I just want to fly back and forth every week and still work there. What was I thinking leaving this job? I hope and pray that I find something I can love and do as well. Oh THIS job - can anything compare? The volunteers and medical professionals I wish I could see one more time.
Doctor's. I just want to take Tyler to see Dr. Ali Carine - one last time (or forever). As Tyler progressing in school and I feel the demands that the specialists wish for him; I just wish for one more encounter with Ali - with the wonderful OMT that she does. He needs another adjustment!! :)
Living in Houston:
The things that I have experienced this week are way different than I have ever expected. That is the way life is though, right?
Employment: I thought that I practically had a job set up for me to slip in to in the next couple of weeks. The job/program itself is an absolute mess. The agency really needs someone to come in and improve/grow the program. I totally can do this for them. It's not as hard as they think. They just haven't had the right person to do it. The PROBLEM is the main reason they haven't had a good person (or been fully staffed) is because their cheapest health insurance for a family costs $22,000 + a year - total out of cost pocket for the employee. WTF - really? Unf**ing believable. I could maybe swallow this if I was making $100,000 a year. But the $22,000 is over 50% of the income that I would receive. This, I think is totally unethical! So we have to re-evaluate. I'm not sure if I'm going to turn down the job - but I'm certainly not going to take their SHIT insurance and I'm going to let them know - I think what they are doing is TOTALLY unethical! Maybe they'll change their minds about employing me :)
Living situation: Living with my parents has been amazing. Truly a blessing and very fun. Tonight my mom said that she feels like I'm doing all the work around the house and she's hardly doing anything. Yet I feel the same. Communal living - that's how it works. Everyone pitches in a bit and then the load seems much lighter. I've always liked the thought of communal living. Now actually doing it is great!!!! (one week in to it!) - I hope I won't have a hard time once I have to give it up.
Friends: Right - I don't have friends here. But today Tyler's school had a "clean up the school" day (or something like that) and we went. It was held by the PTA - something I have totally tried to avoid. But these people were some of the nicest and most inviting people I have met (maybe they just want me to join the PTA - I don't know). They asked about us, they shared job information and Oh my God in Heaven above - they were the most egalitarian group I have worked alongside in a long time. Men carrying babies, women lugging mulch. It was great to see these people at work. I'm actually going to go to a PTA meeting as a result (mostly because Tyler will be singing with his class on stage afterwards) but hey - I want to see these people again. It was fun!
Prayer requests - Please pray that we find jobs that will really work with our schedule and medical needs. Pray that medical insurance. Please pray about our stupid house in Ohio. It still hasn't closed. It feels so - distant and minor - not that we aren't there. But really - this has to sell or we will have to rent it. This can't go on forever!
As - always there could be much more to share and there will be more to come!
Monday, October 29, 2012
Red and White package
Today. October 29th 2012 - I have been without husband and children for 7 days. The longest I have ever done something like this. I know many others have done this for longer - but I haven't and I miss them.
Today. I battle to not worry; like many days. The final closure of our house still has not happened - more complications more delays.
Today. Dave has interviews; follow up from job fairs.
Today. I pray. I don't know what to pray. I've said it all a million times with God - he knows my requests, my desires and my hopes
Today. I want to not worry, I want closure on our house and I want success for Dave. So all I know to say is what I have learned from my Pastor that I have watched pray and preach week in and week out for the last 15 year. I have heard Pastor Rich Nathan say this prayer many times in the past. "Come Lord come. Come! Come! Come Jesus, Come! Come, Holy Spirit. Come. Come!" First my prayer is silent; in my head. Then I feel drawn to say it out loud (thankfully I'm in my car - so I don't look mentally ill!) I repeat this prayer again and again. As I pray I think about Dave at his job interview, think about our house, kids, $ (all the things I so easily worry about). Then I see a beautifully wrapped box. The paper has a white background with small red swipes all over it. The package is neatly wrapped with red ribbon and a simple red bow tied on top. It's being handed to me - from God. A gift, like all things from God. Taken care of, well planned and thought out; neatly put together with a pretty bow on top. I think this is a premonition for the future - not yet today.
Today. I will not have my gift. Because this image in my head then shows God tying the bow on my package and my hands reaching to try to help. "Are you going to let me finish this?" He says. I pull back my hands "Of course, go ahead, finish it." He continues (slowly in my perspective), and there my hands are again trying to help tie the bow. "Let me finish." He says. "YES! I say - Go ahead and finish." Trying to wait as he slowly ties this bow. I want to reach again - but then I say "I don't want to finish it for you, I will wait." I feel this sense of agreement with God. - HE has picked out this gift; HE has put it in a perfect sized box. He has wrapped it so beautifully; perfectly. He has put the simple red ribbon on it. And when this simple bow is tied - it will be done - he will give it to me. I will wait and when I'm feeling worrisome or impatient on a good day, I will pray. God will be gracious.
Today. I don't know what God's gift is (That's the best part of receiving a present, I guess.). I want it to mean my specific worries above are taken care of. I want it to mean he will finish it all; tie a pretty little bow around this move to Texas - jobs will be found, house will no longer be ours, the STRONG struggle of $$ will be gone. But whatever God's gift is - I must just wait - because he will finish it and I will receive it. And it will done.
Today. I only know what I know today. I only know that God gave me this vision and I must remember it.
Today. I battle to not worry; like many days. The final closure of our house still has not happened - more complications more delays.
Today. Dave has interviews; follow up from job fairs.
Today. I pray. I don't know what to pray. I've said it all a million times with God - he knows my requests, my desires and my hopes
Today. I want to not worry, I want closure on our house and I want success for Dave. So all I know to say is what I have learned from my Pastor that I have watched pray and preach week in and week out for the last 15 year. I have heard Pastor Rich Nathan say this prayer many times in the past. "Come Lord come. Come! Come! Come Jesus, Come! Come, Holy Spirit. Come. Come!" First my prayer is silent; in my head. Then I feel drawn to say it out loud (thankfully I'm in my car - so I don't look mentally ill!) I repeat this prayer again and again. As I pray I think about Dave at his job interview, think about our house, kids, $ (all the things I so easily worry about). Then I see a beautifully wrapped box. The paper has a white background with small red swipes all over it. The package is neatly wrapped with red ribbon and a simple red bow tied on top. It's being handed to me - from God. A gift, like all things from God. Taken care of, well planned and thought out; neatly put together with a pretty bow on top. I think this is a premonition for the future - not yet today.
Today. I will not have my gift. Because this image in my head then shows God tying the bow on my package and my hands reaching to try to help. "Are you going to let me finish this?" He says. I pull back my hands "Of course, go ahead, finish it." He continues (slowly in my perspective), and there my hands are again trying to help tie the bow. "Let me finish." He says. "YES! I say - Go ahead and finish." Trying to wait as he slowly ties this bow. I want to reach again - but then I say "I don't want to finish it for you, I will wait." I feel this sense of agreement with God. - HE has picked out this gift; HE has put it in a perfect sized box. He has wrapped it so beautifully; perfectly. He has put the simple red ribbon on it. And when this simple bow is tied - it will be done - he will give it to me. I will wait and when I'm feeling worrisome or impatient on a good day, I will pray. God will be gracious.
Today. I don't know what God's gift is (That's the best part of receiving a present, I guess.). I want it to mean my specific worries above are taken care of. I want it to mean he will finish it all; tie a pretty little bow around this move to Texas - jobs will be found, house will no longer be ours, the STRONG struggle of $$ will be gone. But whatever God's gift is - I must just wait - because he will finish it and I will receive it. And it will done.
Today. I only know what I know today. I only know that God gave me this vision and I must remember it.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Joy in a new place.
Last night when I went to bed - I was sad. Really sad - so sad I cried and almost cried myself to sleep with silent tears (so I wouldn't wake up Dave). I can't say what part of this life change made me feel so sad last night. Maybe it was the fact that I was sleeping in my bed, but not in my house any longer. Maybe it was because I was thinking about my friends that I'm not close to or down the road from any longer. Maybe it's because this new place I'm staying is not yet home to me. But I was sad. When I woke up this morning and started my day - the sadness felt heavy - like the edges of depression. Hoping and praying that I don't fall in; again.
As the day went on busyness filled the day. I found joy slip in. My brother came over. I rarely see my brother and as adults we have had nearly a non-existent relationship. My brother (always sweet and affectionate) welcomed me with a big hug and kiss and said "Welcome Home!" - SWEET!!! His plans for the day were to help Dave unload the truck and then watch a football game with his friends - then come back to have dinner with us. He ditched his friends to hang out with me and most previously; my kids. He's such a good uncle. So sweet and affectionate, firm and gracious. Tyler really loves him. At one point Isaac (my brother) was helping Dave move a dresser and Tyler said "I like this guy!" SWEET JOY! Later in the evening Tyler would only sit by Isaac and do his "homework".
This evening Dave and I returned are hated truck. I'm so happy to get ride of that hellacious thing! I followed behind Dave in the van as he drove the truck to Home Depot to drop it off. My thoughts turn to the amazing man in the truck in front of me - I'm exhausted from the days busyness (and this whole week for that fact). I can't think about all the details of returning the truck - it should be filled up with gas - but good luck finding a place to fill up the partial semi truck in urban Houston - talked to the Home Depot guy about the dings on the truck, getting us back to the house; blah blah blah. But instead all I have to do is follow Dave to Home Depot (he finds a place to stop for gas on the way) and lay in the van while Dave takes care of the rest. Dave is taking care of so much, especially me and the kids. SWEET JOY!
Tomorrow Tyler starts his first day at a new school. He didn't even want to walk down to the school. Finally we convinced him. After seeing his school he's excited to go tomorrow. Joy, in a new place.
Please pray that his classroom atmosphere is good, he has a good teacher and finds some friends (which he usually doesn't have a problem doing).
Tomorrow I have an interview - please pray it goes well.
Tomorrow Dave has his interview - pray that he gets a great high paying job and starts soon (so soon that he wouldn't have to drive back with me :) )
Joy, in a new place!
As the day went on busyness filled the day. I found joy slip in. My brother came over. I rarely see my brother and as adults we have had nearly a non-existent relationship. My brother (always sweet and affectionate) welcomed me with a big hug and kiss and said "Welcome Home!" - SWEET!!! His plans for the day were to help Dave unload the truck and then watch a football game with his friends - then come back to have dinner with us. He ditched his friends to hang out with me and most previously; my kids. He's such a good uncle. So sweet and affectionate, firm and gracious. Tyler really loves him. At one point Isaac (my brother) was helping Dave move a dresser and Tyler said "I like this guy!" SWEET JOY! Later in the evening Tyler would only sit by Isaac and do his "homework".
This evening Dave and I returned are hated truck. I'm so happy to get ride of that hellacious thing! I followed behind Dave in the van as he drove the truck to Home Depot to drop it off. My thoughts turn to the amazing man in the truck in front of me - I'm exhausted from the days busyness (and this whole week for that fact). I can't think about all the details of returning the truck - it should be filled up with gas - but good luck finding a place to fill up the partial semi truck in urban Houston - talked to the Home Depot guy about the dings on the truck, getting us back to the house; blah blah blah. But instead all I have to do is follow Dave to Home Depot (he finds a place to stop for gas on the way) and lay in the van while Dave takes care of the rest. Dave is taking care of so much, especially me and the kids. SWEET JOY!
Tomorrow Tyler starts his first day at a new school. He didn't even want to walk down to the school. Finally we convinced him. After seeing his school he's excited to go tomorrow. Joy, in a new place.
Please pray that his classroom atmosphere is good, he has a good teacher and finds some friends (which he usually doesn't have a problem doing).
Tomorrow I have an interview - please pray it goes well.
Tomorrow Dave has his interview - pray that he gets a great high paying job and starts soon (so soon that he wouldn't have to drive back with me :) )
Joy, in a new place!
Saturday, October 20, 2012
So we are here!
Three days of driving finally got us and all our belongings here. Mom flew down today (Saturday) with the kids....so that was the easy part. We were away from the kids for three days - and I missed them dearly (and they missed me); it makes me wonder how we are going to survive 12 days apart. We will, I know other moms and families that have done it.
Our travels - went pretty well. I dreaded it before hand; thinking it would be a horribly miserable event. Dave looked forward to it saying "Don't think bad about it, it's going to be an adventure." Well after the first day of driving Dave's nostalgic thoughts of this trip being an adventure went out the window. And me? It wasn't nearly as horrible or miserable as I thought. Once we got here - we were chilling and Dave said to me "No offense, but I hope I get a job soon, so I don't have to drive the car down with you." HA! I guess he's not seeing another 18-20 hour drive in the next 2 weeks as adventurous.
Some fun highlights....1. Louisville, KY is A LOT bigger than what I thought. We drove through Louisville on the first day (the only big city Dave drove through). It kept going and going. 2. Dave did most of the driving, be he conveniently got tired of driving just before a major city. I drove out of Columbus, through Cincinnati, Nashville, Memphis, Little Rock and Houston. It really was accidental and I teased Dave as we approached each city as I was driving through yet again. 3. I never knew Tennessee was so beautiful - TONS of cotton fields - they were so pretty. They even had cotton barrels (you know, like hay barrels in Ohio) - BIG ROUND balls of cotton. Mostly, though I LOVED the solar fields put up by the University of Tennessee. These literally were fields (maybe used to be cotton or soybean) with row after row after row after row of solar panels. I'm glad someone out there is trying something new. 4. The BEST part of our trip was at the very end. I was driving in to Houston......and as they say; everything is bigger in Texas. So big that even when we thought we were close to Houston it seemed as if we would NEVER get to the outer belt. We were driving and driving and I had to PEE so bad. We are driving the LARGEST Penske truck created with a mini van towed on the back. This partial semi truck couldn't just stop anywhere for a pee - we had to have the right scenario (easy pull in and out). As we approach Houston, it's more and more difficult to find the right place to easly pull in and out. As we are getting closer (driving in to the city and taking an exit close to my parents house) I can't hold it any longer. "I HAVE to stop" I tell Dave and I find a large empty parking lot close to a gas station. I run in to the gas station with a desperate look on my face. The Indian man behind the glassed in register is not fazed - he's just staring out in to space and doesn't respond to me. I finally find a sign "no public restrooms". OH MAN - I'm in trouble. I run back out to the van - hop in and say to Dave - that's it a can't wait any longer. So we have one of those plastic cups (you know - with the screw on lid and plastic straw - like a fast food cup - but see through and plastic) - seems easy enough - so Dave empties the water out of it - and then I fill it up TO THE TOP (I told you I had to go bad). Dave says "There's no way we are keeping that" and then throws it out the door "AHH - some of it splashed back up on me!" he yells. Dave was mortified that I peed in a cup, in the truck. "We are a block from your parents house and you had to pee in a cup." Yes! Literally we were a block from my parents house....within two minutes we were pulling in front of there house - and NO I couldn't have waited.
So I'll leave you with that. There were many other more serious emotions and events that happened - nothing nearly as notable as that!
Love you all!
Our travels - went pretty well. I dreaded it before hand; thinking it would be a horribly miserable event. Dave looked forward to it saying "Don't think bad about it, it's going to be an adventure." Well after the first day of driving Dave's nostalgic thoughts of this trip being an adventure went out the window. And me? It wasn't nearly as horrible or miserable as I thought. Once we got here - we were chilling and Dave said to me "No offense, but I hope I get a job soon, so I don't have to drive the car down with you." HA! I guess he's not seeing another 18-20 hour drive in the next 2 weeks as adventurous.
Some fun highlights....1. Louisville, KY is A LOT bigger than what I thought. We drove through Louisville on the first day (the only big city Dave drove through). It kept going and going. 2. Dave did most of the driving, be he conveniently got tired of driving just before a major city. I drove out of Columbus, through Cincinnati, Nashville, Memphis, Little Rock and Houston. It really was accidental and I teased Dave as we approached each city as I was driving through yet again. 3. I never knew Tennessee was so beautiful - TONS of cotton fields - they were so pretty. They even had cotton barrels (you know, like hay barrels in Ohio) - BIG ROUND balls of cotton. Mostly, though I LOVED the solar fields put up by the University of Tennessee. These literally were fields (maybe used to be cotton or soybean) with row after row after row after row of solar panels. I'm glad someone out there is trying something new. 4. The BEST part of our trip was at the very end. I was driving in to Houston......and as they say; everything is bigger in Texas. So big that even when we thought we were close to Houston it seemed as if we would NEVER get to the outer belt. We were driving and driving and I had to PEE so bad. We are driving the LARGEST Penske truck created with a mini van towed on the back. This partial semi truck couldn't just stop anywhere for a pee - we had to have the right scenario (easy pull in and out). As we approach Houston, it's more and more difficult to find the right place to easly pull in and out. As we are getting closer (driving in to the city and taking an exit close to my parents house) I can't hold it any longer. "I HAVE to stop" I tell Dave and I find a large empty parking lot close to a gas station. I run in to the gas station with a desperate look on my face. The Indian man behind the glassed in register is not fazed - he's just staring out in to space and doesn't respond to me. I finally find a sign "no public restrooms". OH MAN - I'm in trouble. I run back out to the van - hop in and say to Dave - that's it a can't wait any longer. So we have one of those plastic cups (you know - with the screw on lid and plastic straw - like a fast food cup - but see through and plastic) - seems easy enough - so Dave empties the water out of it - and then I fill it up TO THE TOP (I told you I had to go bad). Dave says "There's no way we are keeping that" and then throws it out the door "AHH - some of it splashed back up on me!" he yells. Dave was mortified that I peed in a cup, in the truck. "We are a block from your parents house and you had to pee in a cup." Yes! Literally we were a block from my parents house....within two minutes we were pulling in front of there house - and NO I couldn't have waited.
So I'll leave you with that. There were many other more serious emotions and events that happened - nothing nearly as notable as that!
Love you all!
Monday, October 15, 2012
The up and down of it all
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Last night this verse became alive in the flesh for me through my wonderful friends. I will remember the last year for so many reasons. Mostly I want to remember it because God how showed me a piece of the measure of his fullness through his Holy people that love me. Through my friends I have begun to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. Thanks you friends for loving me through everything. God can and will continue to love you and me more than we can ask or imagine
Today - anxiety rushes back in and I so easily live my life as if I forget God's love. More paperwork needs to be signed (for the realtor) - another delay - to Thursday or Friday for the closing. Another delay means nothing is final. Nothing final means my anxiety raises, worry comes in.
The only think I know - the only thing I can remember is that God has appeared to show himself to me. I have got to this point by doing what I think God wants me to do. That doesn't make the stress or concern of the place I am in right now any less. The worry of the closing not going through is high. Dave isn't worried and I have to lean on that. How has this happened? I have historically been the one that has NOT been worried about anything. I almost had to not worry in order to keep Dave not worried. Now Dave doesn't worry and that doesn't make sense to me. When he worried all the time - that didn't make sense to me. It's so hard for me to get to know this guy. He is completely different from who he was yet he is the same person.
I just have to go back to LOVE. I know that no matter what God loves me. Through that, I can love others. My fear, anxiety and worry brings out the worst in me. I get impatient, I get tired, I go to my "pet" sin of escaping the emotions of what I feel, and I get really HARD on myself and then really HARD on Dave. Argh! Last night he said "Do you trust me?"; "Yes." I said. He said "Deep down - do you really trust me." "I'm trying!" I said.
I'm trying; sometimes that I all I can say about myself. I'm trying, at least I have to make my "trying" win.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Last night this verse became alive in the flesh for me through my wonderful friends. I will remember the last year for so many reasons. Mostly I want to remember it because God how showed me a piece of the measure of his fullness through his Holy people that love me. Through my friends I have begun to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. Thanks you friends for loving me through everything. God can and will continue to love you and me more than we can ask or imagine
Today - anxiety rushes back in and I so easily live my life as if I forget God's love. More paperwork needs to be signed (for the realtor) - another delay - to Thursday or Friday for the closing. Another delay means nothing is final. Nothing final means my anxiety raises, worry comes in.
The only think I know - the only thing I can remember is that God has appeared to show himself to me. I have got to this point by doing what I think God wants me to do. That doesn't make the stress or concern of the place I am in right now any less. The worry of the closing not going through is high. Dave isn't worried and I have to lean on that. How has this happened? I have historically been the one that has NOT been worried about anything. I almost had to not worry in order to keep Dave not worried. Now Dave doesn't worry and that doesn't make sense to me. When he worried all the time - that didn't make sense to me. It's so hard for me to get to know this guy. He is completely different from who he was yet he is the same person.
I just have to go back to LOVE. I know that no matter what God loves me. Through that, I can love others. My fear, anxiety and worry brings out the worst in me. I get impatient, I get tired, I go to my "pet" sin of escaping the emotions of what I feel, and I get really HARD on myself and then really HARD on Dave. Argh! Last night he said "Do you trust me?"; "Yes." I said. He said "Deep down - do you really trust me." "I'm trying!" I said.
I'm trying; sometimes that I all I can say about myself. I'm trying, at least I have to make my "trying" win.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Panic Attack
Just trying not to have a panic attack right now.
The title company lady just said "We haven't called you yet because we might not close on Monday!" WTF.............."We might have to hold off until Tuesday; we are waiting to hear back from the lender."
"So are we at risk of not closing at all?" I aske
"Not that I know of." She says
Well that makes it nice a clear.
"There was a problem with the appriasal amount, but that has been resolved." She said.
I don't know if this is a good statement or not. Okay - I guess we just wait and pray!
The title company lady just said "We haven't called you yet because we might not close on Monday!" WTF.............."We might have to hold off until Tuesday; we are waiting to hear back from the lender."
"So are we at risk of not closing at all?" I aske
"Not that I know of." She says
Well that makes it nice a clear.
"There was a problem with the appriasal amount, but that has been resolved." She said.
I don't know if this is a good statement or not. Okay - I guess we just wait and pray!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Here comes the BOOM!
Over the past year and have read, re-read, thought about, prayed about, hoped in and rejoiced about Mark 14:34 Jesus says his disciples "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." As my heart has been overwhelmed with sorrow over the last year almost to the point of death - I'm GLAD that Jesus has felt the same emotions I have - and yet was without sin. Depression so heavy that is sorrow to the point of death is NOT a sin - because that is what Jesus felt! This has given me permission feel all the shitty things that I have felt.
I have benefited from attending churches and being in good company with people that want "authenticity" even if it's not pretty. "Take off the mask" I have heard one pastor say many times. I like being authentic, I love authentic people. When life is just fucked up - it's just fucked up. There is no easy solution; life just isn't what it's supposed to be A LOT of the times.
God is pulling me in new directions (literally and emotionally). He's asking me to be authentic and yet leave out my eagerness to complain. When God wants to do something within me, many times (although not always) it starts a small thought deep inside me - letting me know - something that I'm doing is a little off (or a lot off, depending on the situation). Then as that small thought deep inside me grows, I start to talk a little bit about it and realize how often I am doing something not quite right. Over the last month I have started to feel, think and be concerned about my complaining. I have a general theme of one or two things that I complain about. If you know me - you may be smiling right now - because you might even know exactly what those things are. I went to my small group, I complained. I go to my women's group, I complain. I called my mom, I complained. I would call a friend, I would complain. I see my therapist, I complain. After so long I'm getting tired of hearing myself complain about the same thing. Yet I don't feel like it's wrong for me to want and hope for something different.....BETTER! I also feel like I'm being authentic - bearing my heart and soul with people and asking my family and friends to hope for something better for me and my family.
Yesterday morning as I'm driving along the outer belt in Columbus, I find myself in a moment with God. I'm complaining to him with tears in my eyes. I know He's listening and when I'm done I feel relieved and yet I wish I could get past this one complaint that I continue to have.....then......Here comes the BOOM!
Last night before bed I opened my Jesus Calling book to October 9th:
I have benefited from attending churches and being in good company with people that want "authenticity" even if it's not pretty. "Take off the mask" I have heard one pastor say many times. I like being authentic, I love authentic people. When life is just fucked up - it's just fucked up. There is no easy solution; life just isn't what it's supposed to be A LOT of the times.
God is pulling me in new directions (literally and emotionally). He's asking me to be authentic and yet leave out my eagerness to complain. When God wants to do something within me, many times (although not always) it starts a small thought deep inside me - letting me know - something that I'm doing is a little off (or a lot off, depending on the situation). Then as that small thought deep inside me grows, I start to talk a little bit about it and realize how often I am doing something not quite right. Over the last month I have started to feel, think and be concerned about my complaining. I have a general theme of one or two things that I complain about. If you know me - you may be smiling right now - because you might even know exactly what those things are. I went to my small group, I complained. I go to my women's group, I complain. I called my mom, I complained. I would call a friend, I would complain. I see my therapist, I complain. After so long I'm getting tired of hearing myself complain about the same thing. Yet I don't feel like it's wrong for me to want and hope for something different.....BETTER! I also feel like I'm being authentic - bearing my heart and soul with people and asking my family and friends to hope for something better for me and my family.
Yesterday morning as I'm driving along the outer belt in Columbus, I find myself in a moment with God. I'm complaining to him with tears in my eyes. I know He's listening and when I'm done I feel relieved and yet I wish I could get past this one complaint that I continue to have.....then......Here comes the BOOM!
Last night before bed I opened my Jesus Calling book to October 9th:
"You have been on a long, uphill journey, and your energy is almost spent. Though you have faltered at times, you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your desire to stay close to Me. There is one thing, however, that displeases Me: your tendency to complain. You may talk to Me as much as you like about the difficulty of the path we are following. I understand better than anyone else the stresses and strains that have afflicted you. You can ventilate safely to Me, because talking with Me tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective.
Complaining to others is another matter altogether. It opens the door to deadly sins such as self-pity and rage. Whenever you are tempted to grumble, come to Me and talk it out. And you open up to Me, I will put My thoughts in your mind and My song in your heart."
BOOM!!!!!!!
Now you tell me - how in the hell does something that is written for such a universal audience hit me BOOM, right at the exact moment in right the exact way for me? God, that's how. It's almost so eerie that it makes me doubt (what sense does that make? none really!).
Authenticity and yet not complaining. One of those many things that need to be balanced in life.
CHOICES
Life is a series and set of choices.
Some choices are clearly outlined in scriptures as the right choices. For example - honoring people (like your parents or spouse) or things like being truthful, trusting God or loving and serving people and God. Those choices - although not necessarily easy; are clearly defined as true and right. Unfortunately, it seems that I am less concerned with these decisions and if I am really making the choice God wants me to make. (Many time I don't even think, consider or pray about these decisions)
Others choices that I make in life aren't necessarily as clearly defined. I spend most of my energy worrying about these decisions. These choices (as I have seen in my life) can fall in to two catigories. 1. God weighs in and asks me to make a decision one way or another (by speaking to us through scripture, through others or directly). OR 2. God simply leaves the decision up to me, wanting me to know that he is with me and for me - no matter what the outcome. Even if the shit hits the fan - and everything falls apart - God is still with me.
These THREE mecinisims of making decisions as a follower of Jesus are fully integrated in each other.
1. Clear choices about right and wrong (as defined in the bible) when there should be no compromise.
2. Choices when God has spoken (or I believe I have heard God's voice).
3. Choices when God simply leaves the life choice up to me (but asks me, as things become fuzzy and unlear - asks me to revert to trust him - referring back to choice number 1).
Recently our family (maybe mostly me) have been in the midst of deciding if moving to Houston, TX is right thing to do for our family (Dave has been more certain that it IS the right thing to do). Definately, you can't find this answer clearly in scripture (The Hill family should move to Houston!) AND that God hasn't clearly outright said to me and my family "You should move to Texas!" BUT; as we have been considering this decision we have made several small decisions (some seem clearly guided by God and others, not so much). For example deciding to put our house on the market; I don't know if we heard a clear answer to this question - but we thought, one step and one day at a time. As my mom would say; "Do what is in front of you." and "You can only think about today, one day at a time."
The day I put in my resignation at work. I really didn't want to (for various reasons) but mainly because things were still unclear with the house. I was burdened by this. I knew Dave really wanted me too - and I had said I would; but I did NOT want to. I wrote the letter and was sitting in my office - heavy with anxiety, fear, and just the plain lack of desire to walk to my bosses office to give her the letter. I was praying - I felt as if I had to do this - simply because I needed to honor my husband and that God wanted me to do it as well. So, with slow steps of obilgation and a heavy heart I walked to my bosses office; and I did it. The heaviness of this weighed on me the rest of the day. By the time I came home, Dave had heard from our realtor - everything is set and ready to go; it's official, it's really going to happen. The weight lifted; God spoke - affirming my obedience and giving me joy.
Many times I find myself in situations when there may or may not be a clear choice to make. In front of me is a huge challenge to do what seems to be elusively the right or wrong thing to do. I may not realize that there have been a great deal of tiny choices (that we have made right or wrong) that has put me in a scenerio of making a HUGE decision that doesn't seem so clear.
The results of my decisions (even if I have done what is the right thing - or what
I THINK is the right thing) aren't always so happy and easy. God doesn't always immediatly let me feel or see the positive results of making these decisions. It's not easy and God is not a simple God.
Some choices are clearly outlined in scriptures as the right choices. For example - honoring people (like your parents or spouse) or things like being truthful, trusting God or loving and serving people and God. Those choices - although not necessarily easy; are clearly defined as true and right. Unfortunately, it seems that I am less concerned with these decisions and if I am really making the choice God wants me to make. (Many time I don't even think, consider or pray about these decisions)
Others choices that I make in life aren't necessarily as clearly defined. I spend most of my energy worrying about these decisions. These choices (as I have seen in my life) can fall in to two catigories. 1. God weighs in and asks me to make a decision one way or another (by speaking to us through scripture, through others or directly). OR 2. God simply leaves the decision up to me, wanting me to know that he is with me and for me - no matter what the outcome. Even if the shit hits the fan - and everything falls apart - God is still with me.
These THREE mecinisims of making decisions as a follower of Jesus are fully integrated in each other.
1. Clear choices about right and wrong (as defined in the bible) when there should be no compromise.
2. Choices when God has spoken (or I believe I have heard God's voice).
3. Choices when God simply leaves the life choice up to me (but asks me, as things become fuzzy and unlear - asks me to revert to trust him - referring back to choice number 1).
Recently our family (maybe mostly me) have been in the midst of deciding if moving to Houston, TX is right thing to do for our family (Dave has been more certain that it IS the right thing to do). Definately, you can't find this answer clearly in scripture (The Hill family should move to Houston!) AND that God hasn't clearly outright said to me and my family "You should move to Texas!" BUT; as we have been considering this decision we have made several small decisions (some seem clearly guided by God and others, not so much). For example deciding to put our house on the market; I don't know if we heard a clear answer to this question - but we thought, one step and one day at a time. As my mom would say; "Do what is in front of you." and "You can only think about today, one day at a time."
The day I put in my resignation at work. I really didn't want to (for various reasons) but mainly because things were still unclear with the house. I was burdened by this. I knew Dave really wanted me too - and I had said I would; but I did NOT want to. I wrote the letter and was sitting in my office - heavy with anxiety, fear, and just the plain lack of desire to walk to my bosses office to give her the letter. I was praying - I felt as if I had to do this - simply because I needed to honor my husband and that God wanted me to do it as well. So, with slow steps of obilgation and a heavy heart I walked to my bosses office; and I did it. The heaviness of this weighed on me the rest of the day. By the time I came home, Dave had heard from our realtor - everything is set and ready to go; it's official, it's really going to happen. The weight lifted; God spoke - affirming my obedience and giving me joy.
Many times I find myself in situations when there may or may not be a clear choice to make. In front of me is a huge challenge to do what seems to be elusively the right or wrong thing to do. I may not realize that there have been a great deal of tiny choices (that we have made right or wrong) that has put me in a scenerio of making a HUGE decision that doesn't seem so clear.
The results of my decisions (even if I have done what is the right thing - or what
I THINK is the right thing) aren't always so happy and easy. God doesn't always immediatly let me feel or see the positive results of making these decisions. It's not easy and God is not a simple God.
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