Today. October 29th 2012 - I have been without husband and children for 7 days. The longest I have ever done something like this. I know many others have done this for longer - but I haven't and I miss them.
Today. I battle to not worry; like many days. The final closure of our house still has not happened - more complications more delays.
Today. Dave has interviews; follow up from job fairs.
Today. I pray. I don't know what to pray. I've said it all a million times with God - he knows my requests, my desires and my hopes
Today. I want to not worry, I want closure on our house and I want success for Dave. So all I know to say is what I have learned from my Pastor that I have watched pray and preach week in and week out for the last 15 year. I have heard Pastor Rich Nathan say this prayer many times in the past. "Come Lord come. Come! Come! Come Jesus, Come! Come, Holy Spirit. Come. Come!" First my prayer is silent; in my head. Then I feel drawn to say it out loud (thankfully I'm in my car - so I don't look mentally ill!) I repeat this prayer again and again. As I pray I think about Dave at his job interview, think about our house, kids, $ (all the things I so easily worry about). Then I see a beautifully wrapped box. The paper has a white background with small red swipes all over it. The package is neatly wrapped with red ribbon and a simple red bow tied on top. It's being handed to me - from God. A gift, like all things from God. Taken care of, well planned and thought out; neatly put together with a pretty bow on top. I think this is a premonition for the future - not yet today.
Today. I will not have my gift. Because this image in my head then shows God tying the bow on my package and my hands reaching to try to help. "Are you going to let me finish this?" He says. I pull back my hands "Of course, go ahead, finish it." He continues (slowly in my perspective), and there my hands are again trying to help tie the bow. "Let me finish." He says. "YES! I say - Go ahead and finish." Trying to wait as he slowly ties this bow. I want to reach again - but then I say "I don't want to finish it for you, I will wait." I feel this sense of agreement with God. - HE has picked out this gift; HE has put it in a perfect sized box. He has wrapped it so beautifully; perfectly. He has put the simple red ribbon on it. And when this simple bow is tied - it will be done - he will give it to me. I will wait and when I'm feeling worrisome or impatient on a good day, I will pray. God will be gracious.
Today. I don't know what God's gift is (That's the best part of receiving a present, I guess.). I want it to mean my specific worries above are taken care of. I want it to mean he will finish it all; tie a pretty little bow around this move to Texas - jobs will be found, house will no longer be ours, the STRONG struggle of $$ will be gone. But whatever God's gift is - I must just wait - because he will finish it and I will receive it. And it will done.
Today. I only know what I know today. I only know that God gave me this vision and I must remember it.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Joy in a new place.
Last night when I went to bed - I was sad. Really sad - so sad I cried and almost cried myself to sleep with silent tears (so I wouldn't wake up Dave). I can't say what part of this life change made me feel so sad last night. Maybe it was the fact that I was sleeping in my bed, but not in my house any longer. Maybe it was because I was thinking about my friends that I'm not close to or down the road from any longer. Maybe it's because this new place I'm staying is not yet home to me. But I was sad. When I woke up this morning and started my day - the sadness felt heavy - like the edges of depression. Hoping and praying that I don't fall in; again.
As the day went on busyness filled the day. I found joy slip in. My brother came over. I rarely see my brother and as adults we have had nearly a non-existent relationship. My brother (always sweet and affectionate) welcomed me with a big hug and kiss and said "Welcome Home!" - SWEET!!! His plans for the day were to help Dave unload the truck and then watch a football game with his friends - then come back to have dinner with us. He ditched his friends to hang out with me and most previously; my kids. He's such a good uncle. So sweet and affectionate, firm and gracious. Tyler really loves him. At one point Isaac (my brother) was helping Dave move a dresser and Tyler said "I like this guy!" SWEET JOY! Later in the evening Tyler would only sit by Isaac and do his "homework".
This evening Dave and I returned are hated truck. I'm so happy to get ride of that hellacious thing! I followed behind Dave in the van as he drove the truck to Home Depot to drop it off. My thoughts turn to the amazing man in the truck in front of me - I'm exhausted from the days busyness (and this whole week for that fact). I can't think about all the details of returning the truck - it should be filled up with gas - but good luck finding a place to fill up the partial semi truck in urban Houston - talked to the Home Depot guy about the dings on the truck, getting us back to the house; blah blah blah. But instead all I have to do is follow Dave to Home Depot (he finds a place to stop for gas on the way) and lay in the van while Dave takes care of the rest. Dave is taking care of so much, especially me and the kids. SWEET JOY!
Tomorrow Tyler starts his first day at a new school. He didn't even want to walk down to the school. Finally we convinced him. After seeing his school he's excited to go tomorrow. Joy, in a new place.
Please pray that his classroom atmosphere is good, he has a good teacher and finds some friends (which he usually doesn't have a problem doing).
Tomorrow I have an interview - please pray it goes well.
Tomorrow Dave has his interview - pray that he gets a great high paying job and starts soon (so soon that he wouldn't have to drive back with me :) )
Joy, in a new place!
As the day went on busyness filled the day. I found joy slip in. My brother came over. I rarely see my brother and as adults we have had nearly a non-existent relationship. My brother (always sweet and affectionate) welcomed me with a big hug and kiss and said "Welcome Home!" - SWEET!!! His plans for the day were to help Dave unload the truck and then watch a football game with his friends - then come back to have dinner with us. He ditched his friends to hang out with me and most previously; my kids. He's such a good uncle. So sweet and affectionate, firm and gracious. Tyler really loves him. At one point Isaac (my brother) was helping Dave move a dresser and Tyler said "I like this guy!" SWEET JOY! Later in the evening Tyler would only sit by Isaac and do his "homework".
This evening Dave and I returned are hated truck. I'm so happy to get ride of that hellacious thing! I followed behind Dave in the van as he drove the truck to Home Depot to drop it off. My thoughts turn to the amazing man in the truck in front of me - I'm exhausted from the days busyness (and this whole week for that fact). I can't think about all the details of returning the truck - it should be filled up with gas - but good luck finding a place to fill up the partial semi truck in urban Houston - talked to the Home Depot guy about the dings on the truck, getting us back to the house; blah blah blah. But instead all I have to do is follow Dave to Home Depot (he finds a place to stop for gas on the way) and lay in the van while Dave takes care of the rest. Dave is taking care of so much, especially me and the kids. SWEET JOY!
Tomorrow Tyler starts his first day at a new school. He didn't even want to walk down to the school. Finally we convinced him. After seeing his school he's excited to go tomorrow. Joy, in a new place.
Please pray that his classroom atmosphere is good, he has a good teacher and finds some friends (which he usually doesn't have a problem doing).
Tomorrow I have an interview - please pray it goes well.
Tomorrow Dave has his interview - pray that he gets a great high paying job and starts soon (so soon that he wouldn't have to drive back with me :) )
Joy, in a new place!
Saturday, October 20, 2012
So we are here!
Three days of driving finally got us and all our belongings here. Mom flew down today (Saturday) with the kids....so that was the easy part. We were away from the kids for three days - and I missed them dearly (and they missed me); it makes me wonder how we are going to survive 12 days apart. We will, I know other moms and families that have done it.
Our travels - went pretty well. I dreaded it before hand; thinking it would be a horribly miserable event. Dave looked forward to it saying "Don't think bad about it, it's going to be an adventure." Well after the first day of driving Dave's nostalgic thoughts of this trip being an adventure went out the window. And me? It wasn't nearly as horrible or miserable as I thought. Once we got here - we were chilling and Dave said to me "No offense, but I hope I get a job soon, so I don't have to drive the car down with you." HA! I guess he's not seeing another 18-20 hour drive in the next 2 weeks as adventurous.
Some fun highlights....1. Louisville, KY is A LOT bigger than what I thought. We drove through Louisville on the first day (the only big city Dave drove through). It kept going and going. 2. Dave did most of the driving, be he conveniently got tired of driving just before a major city. I drove out of Columbus, through Cincinnati, Nashville, Memphis, Little Rock and Houston. It really was accidental and I teased Dave as we approached each city as I was driving through yet again. 3. I never knew Tennessee was so beautiful - TONS of cotton fields - they were so pretty. They even had cotton barrels (you know, like hay barrels in Ohio) - BIG ROUND balls of cotton. Mostly, though I LOVED the solar fields put up by the University of Tennessee. These literally were fields (maybe used to be cotton or soybean) with row after row after row after row of solar panels. I'm glad someone out there is trying something new. 4. The BEST part of our trip was at the very end. I was driving in to Houston......and as they say; everything is bigger in Texas. So big that even when we thought we were close to Houston it seemed as if we would NEVER get to the outer belt. We were driving and driving and I had to PEE so bad. We are driving the LARGEST Penske truck created with a mini van towed on the back. This partial semi truck couldn't just stop anywhere for a pee - we had to have the right scenario (easy pull in and out). As we approach Houston, it's more and more difficult to find the right place to easly pull in and out. As we are getting closer (driving in to the city and taking an exit close to my parents house) I can't hold it any longer. "I HAVE to stop" I tell Dave and I find a large empty parking lot close to a gas station. I run in to the gas station with a desperate look on my face. The Indian man behind the glassed in register is not fazed - he's just staring out in to space and doesn't respond to me. I finally find a sign "no public restrooms". OH MAN - I'm in trouble. I run back out to the van - hop in and say to Dave - that's it a can't wait any longer. So we have one of those plastic cups (you know - with the screw on lid and plastic straw - like a fast food cup - but see through and plastic) - seems easy enough - so Dave empties the water out of it - and then I fill it up TO THE TOP (I told you I had to go bad). Dave says "There's no way we are keeping that" and then throws it out the door "AHH - some of it splashed back up on me!" he yells. Dave was mortified that I peed in a cup, in the truck. "We are a block from your parents house and you had to pee in a cup." Yes! Literally we were a block from my parents house....within two minutes we were pulling in front of there house - and NO I couldn't have waited.
So I'll leave you with that. There were many other more serious emotions and events that happened - nothing nearly as notable as that!
Love you all!
Our travels - went pretty well. I dreaded it before hand; thinking it would be a horribly miserable event. Dave looked forward to it saying "Don't think bad about it, it's going to be an adventure." Well after the first day of driving Dave's nostalgic thoughts of this trip being an adventure went out the window. And me? It wasn't nearly as horrible or miserable as I thought. Once we got here - we were chilling and Dave said to me "No offense, but I hope I get a job soon, so I don't have to drive the car down with you." HA! I guess he's not seeing another 18-20 hour drive in the next 2 weeks as adventurous.
Some fun highlights....1. Louisville, KY is A LOT bigger than what I thought. We drove through Louisville on the first day (the only big city Dave drove through). It kept going and going. 2. Dave did most of the driving, be he conveniently got tired of driving just before a major city. I drove out of Columbus, through Cincinnati, Nashville, Memphis, Little Rock and Houston. It really was accidental and I teased Dave as we approached each city as I was driving through yet again. 3. I never knew Tennessee was so beautiful - TONS of cotton fields - they were so pretty. They even had cotton barrels (you know, like hay barrels in Ohio) - BIG ROUND balls of cotton. Mostly, though I LOVED the solar fields put up by the University of Tennessee. These literally were fields (maybe used to be cotton or soybean) with row after row after row after row of solar panels. I'm glad someone out there is trying something new. 4. The BEST part of our trip was at the very end. I was driving in to Houston......and as they say; everything is bigger in Texas. So big that even when we thought we were close to Houston it seemed as if we would NEVER get to the outer belt. We were driving and driving and I had to PEE so bad. We are driving the LARGEST Penske truck created with a mini van towed on the back. This partial semi truck couldn't just stop anywhere for a pee - we had to have the right scenario (easy pull in and out). As we approach Houston, it's more and more difficult to find the right place to easly pull in and out. As we are getting closer (driving in to the city and taking an exit close to my parents house) I can't hold it any longer. "I HAVE to stop" I tell Dave and I find a large empty parking lot close to a gas station. I run in to the gas station with a desperate look on my face. The Indian man behind the glassed in register is not fazed - he's just staring out in to space and doesn't respond to me. I finally find a sign "no public restrooms". OH MAN - I'm in trouble. I run back out to the van - hop in and say to Dave - that's it a can't wait any longer. So we have one of those plastic cups (you know - with the screw on lid and plastic straw - like a fast food cup - but see through and plastic) - seems easy enough - so Dave empties the water out of it - and then I fill it up TO THE TOP (I told you I had to go bad). Dave says "There's no way we are keeping that" and then throws it out the door "AHH - some of it splashed back up on me!" he yells. Dave was mortified that I peed in a cup, in the truck. "We are a block from your parents house and you had to pee in a cup." Yes! Literally we were a block from my parents house....within two minutes we were pulling in front of there house - and NO I couldn't have waited.
So I'll leave you with that. There were many other more serious emotions and events that happened - nothing nearly as notable as that!
Love you all!
Monday, October 15, 2012
The up and down of it all
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Last night this verse became alive in the flesh for me through my wonderful friends. I will remember the last year for so many reasons. Mostly I want to remember it because God how showed me a piece of the measure of his fullness through his Holy people that love me. Through my friends I have begun to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. Thanks you friends for loving me through everything. God can and will continue to love you and me more than we can ask or imagine
Today - anxiety rushes back in and I so easily live my life as if I forget God's love. More paperwork needs to be signed (for the realtor) - another delay - to Thursday or Friday for the closing. Another delay means nothing is final. Nothing final means my anxiety raises, worry comes in.
The only think I know - the only thing I can remember is that God has appeared to show himself to me. I have got to this point by doing what I think God wants me to do. That doesn't make the stress or concern of the place I am in right now any less. The worry of the closing not going through is high. Dave isn't worried and I have to lean on that. How has this happened? I have historically been the one that has NOT been worried about anything. I almost had to not worry in order to keep Dave not worried. Now Dave doesn't worry and that doesn't make sense to me. When he worried all the time - that didn't make sense to me. It's so hard for me to get to know this guy. He is completely different from who he was yet he is the same person.
I just have to go back to LOVE. I know that no matter what God loves me. Through that, I can love others. My fear, anxiety and worry brings out the worst in me. I get impatient, I get tired, I go to my "pet" sin of escaping the emotions of what I feel, and I get really HARD on myself and then really HARD on Dave. Argh! Last night he said "Do you trust me?"; "Yes." I said. He said "Deep down - do you really trust me." "I'm trying!" I said.
I'm trying; sometimes that I all I can say about myself. I'm trying, at least I have to make my "trying" win.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Last night this verse became alive in the flesh for me through my wonderful friends. I will remember the last year for so many reasons. Mostly I want to remember it because God how showed me a piece of the measure of his fullness through his Holy people that love me. Through my friends I have begun to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. Thanks you friends for loving me through everything. God can and will continue to love you and me more than we can ask or imagine
Today - anxiety rushes back in and I so easily live my life as if I forget God's love. More paperwork needs to be signed (for the realtor) - another delay - to Thursday or Friday for the closing. Another delay means nothing is final. Nothing final means my anxiety raises, worry comes in.
The only think I know - the only thing I can remember is that God has appeared to show himself to me. I have got to this point by doing what I think God wants me to do. That doesn't make the stress or concern of the place I am in right now any less. The worry of the closing not going through is high. Dave isn't worried and I have to lean on that. How has this happened? I have historically been the one that has NOT been worried about anything. I almost had to not worry in order to keep Dave not worried. Now Dave doesn't worry and that doesn't make sense to me. When he worried all the time - that didn't make sense to me. It's so hard for me to get to know this guy. He is completely different from who he was yet he is the same person.
I just have to go back to LOVE. I know that no matter what God loves me. Through that, I can love others. My fear, anxiety and worry brings out the worst in me. I get impatient, I get tired, I go to my "pet" sin of escaping the emotions of what I feel, and I get really HARD on myself and then really HARD on Dave. Argh! Last night he said "Do you trust me?"; "Yes." I said. He said "Deep down - do you really trust me." "I'm trying!" I said.
I'm trying; sometimes that I all I can say about myself. I'm trying, at least I have to make my "trying" win.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Panic Attack
Just trying not to have a panic attack right now.
The title company lady just said "We haven't called you yet because we might not close on Monday!" WTF.............."We might have to hold off until Tuesday; we are waiting to hear back from the lender."
"So are we at risk of not closing at all?" I aske
"Not that I know of." She says
Well that makes it nice a clear.
"There was a problem with the appriasal amount, but that has been resolved." She said.
I don't know if this is a good statement or not. Okay - I guess we just wait and pray!
The title company lady just said "We haven't called you yet because we might not close on Monday!" WTF.............."We might have to hold off until Tuesday; we are waiting to hear back from the lender."
"So are we at risk of not closing at all?" I aske
"Not that I know of." She says
Well that makes it nice a clear.
"There was a problem with the appriasal amount, but that has been resolved." She said.
I don't know if this is a good statement or not. Okay - I guess we just wait and pray!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Here comes the BOOM!
Over the past year and have read, re-read, thought about, prayed about, hoped in and rejoiced about Mark 14:34 Jesus says his disciples "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." As my heart has been overwhelmed with sorrow over the last year almost to the point of death - I'm GLAD that Jesus has felt the same emotions I have - and yet was without sin. Depression so heavy that is sorrow to the point of death is NOT a sin - because that is what Jesus felt! This has given me permission feel all the shitty things that I have felt.
I have benefited from attending churches and being in good company with people that want "authenticity" even if it's not pretty. "Take off the mask" I have heard one pastor say many times. I like being authentic, I love authentic people. When life is just fucked up - it's just fucked up. There is no easy solution; life just isn't what it's supposed to be A LOT of the times.
God is pulling me in new directions (literally and emotionally). He's asking me to be authentic and yet leave out my eagerness to complain. When God wants to do something within me, many times (although not always) it starts a small thought deep inside me - letting me know - something that I'm doing is a little off (or a lot off, depending on the situation). Then as that small thought deep inside me grows, I start to talk a little bit about it and realize how often I am doing something not quite right. Over the last month I have started to feel, think and be concerned about my complaining. I have a general theme of one or two things that I complain about. If you know me - you may be smiling right now - because you might even know exactly what those things are. I went to my small group, I complained. I go to my women's group, I complain. I called my mom, I complained. I would call a friend, I would complain. I see my therapist, I complain. After so long I'm getting tired of hearing myself complain about the same thing. Yet I don't feel like it's wrong for me to want and hope for something different.....BETTER! I also feel like I'm being authentic - bearing my heart and soul with people and asking my family and friends to hope for something better for me and my family.
Yesterday morning as I'm driving along the outer belt in Columbus, I find myself in a moment with God. I'm complaining to him with tears in my eyes. I know He's listening and when I'm done I feel relieved and yet I wish I could get past this one complaint that I continue to have.....then......Here comes the BOOM!
Last night before bed I opened my Jesus Calling book to October 9th:
I have benefited from attending churches and being in good company with people that want "authenticity" even if it's not pretty. "Take off the mask" I have heard one pastor say many times. I like being authentic, I love authentic people. When life is just fucked up - it's just fucked up. There is no easy solution; life just isn't what it's supposed to be A LOT of the times.
God is pulling me in new directions (literally and emotionally). He's asking me to be authentic and yet leave out my eagerness to complain. When God wants to do something within me, many times (although not always) it starts a small thought deep inside me - letting me know - something that I'm doing is a little off (or a lot off, depending on the situation). Then as that small thought deep inside me grows, I start to talk a little bit about it and realize how often I am doing something not quite right. Over the last month I have started to feel, think and be concerned about my complaining. I have a general theme of one or two things that I complain about. If you know me - you may be smiling right now - because you might even know exactly what those things are. I went to my small group, I complained. I go to my women's group, I complain. I called my mom, I complained. I would call a friend, I would complain. I see my therapist, I complain. After so long I'm getting tired of hearing myself complain about the same thing. Yet I don't feel like it's wrong for me to want and hope for something different.....BETTER! I also feel like I'm being authentic - bearing my heart and soul with people and asking my family and friends to hope for something better for me and my family.
Yesterday morning as I'm driving along the outer belt in Columbus, I find myself in a moment with God. I'm complaining to him with tears in my eyes. I know He's listening and when I'm done I feel relieved and yet I wish I could get past this one complaint that I continue to have.....then......Here comes the BOOM!
Last night before bed I opened my Jesus Calling book to October 9th:
"You have been on a long, uphill journey, and your energy is almost spent. Though you have faltered at times, you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your desire to stay close to Me. There is one thing, however, that displeases Me: your tendency to complain. You may talk to Me as much as you like about the difficulty of the path we are following. I understand better than anyone else the stresses and strains that have afflicted you. You can ventilate safely to Me, because talking with Me tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective.
Complaining to others is another matter altogether. It opens the door to deadly sins such as self-pity and rage. Whenever you are tempted to grumble, come to Me and talk it out. And you open up to Me, I will put My thoughts in your mind and My song in your heart."
BOOM!!!!!!!
Now you tell me - how in the hell does something that is written for such a universal audience hit me BOOM, right at the exact moment in right the exact way for me? God, that's how. It's almost so eerie that it makes me doubt (what sense does that make? none really!).
Authenticity and yet not complaining. One of those many things that need to be balanced in life.
CHOICES
Life is a series and set of choices.
Some choices are clearly outlined in scriptures as the right choices. For example - honoring people (like your parents or spouse) or things like being truthful, trusting God or loving and serving people and God. Those choices - although not necessarily easy; are clearly defined as true and right. Unfortunately, it seems that I am less concerned with these decisions and if I am really making the choice God wants me to make. (Many time I don't even think, consider or pray about these decisions)
Others choices that I make in life aren't necessarily as clearly defined. I spend most of my energy worrying about these decisions. These choices (as I have seen in my life) can fall in to two catigories. 1. God weighs in and asks me to make a decision one way or another (by speaking to us through scripture, through others or directly). OR 2. God simply leaves the decision up to me, wanting me to know that he is with me and for me - no matter what the outcome. Even if the shit hits the fan - and everything falls apart - God is still with me.
These THREE mecinisims of making decisions as a follower of Jesus are fully integrated in each other.
1. Clear choices about right and wrong (as defined in the bible) when there should be no compromise.
2. Choices when God has spoken (or I believe I have heard God's voice).
3. Choices when God simply leaves the life choice up to me (but asks me, as things become fuzzy and unlear - asks me to revert to trust him - referring back to choice number 1).
Recently our family (maybe mostly me) have been in the midst of deciding if moving to Houston, TX is right thing to do for our family (Dave has been more certain that it IS the right thing to do). Definately, you can't find this answer clearly in scripture (The Hill family should move to Houston!) AND that God hasn't clearly outright said to me and my family "You should move to Texas!" BUT; as we have been considering this decision we have made several small decisions (some seem clearly guided by God and others, not so much). For example deciding to put our house on the market; I don't know if we heard a clear answer to this question - but we thought, one step and one day at a time. As my mom would say; "Do what is in front of you." and "You can only think about today, one day at a time."
The day I put in my resignation at work. I really didn't want to (for various reasons) but mainly because things were still unclear with the house. I was burdened by this. I knew Dave really wanted me too - and I had said I would; but I did NOT want to. I wrote the letter and was sitting in my office - heavy with anxiety, fear, and just the plain lack of desire to walk to my bosses office to give her the letter. I was praying - I felt as if I had to do this - simply because I needed to honor my husband and that God wanted me to do it as well. So, with slow steps of obilgation and a heavy heart I walked to my bosses office; and I did it. The heaviness of this weighed on me the rest of the day. By the time I came home, Dave had heard from our realtor - everything is set and ready to go; it's official, it's really going to happen. The weight lifted; God spoke - affirming my obedience and giving me joy.
Many times I find myself in situations when there may or may not be a clear choice to make. In front of me is a huge challenge to do what seems to be elusively the right or wrong thing to do. I may not realize that there have been a great deal of tiny choices (that we have made right or wrong) that has put me in a scenerio of making a HUGE decision that doesn't seem so clear.
The results of my decisions (even if I have done what is the right thing - or what
I THINK is the right thing) aren't always so happy and easy. God doesn't always immediatly let me feel or see the positive results of making these decisions. It's not easy and God is not a simple God.
Some choices are clearly outlined in scriptures as the right choices. For example - honoring people (like your parents or spouse) or things like being truthful, trusting God or loving and serving people and God. Those choices - although not necessarily easy; are clearly defined as true and right. Unfortunately, it seems that I am less concerned with these decisions and if I am really making the choice God wants me to make. (Many time I don't even think, consider or pray about these decisions)
Others choices that I make in life aren't necessarily as clearly defined. I spend most of my energy worrying about these decisions. These choices (as I have seen in my life) can fall in to two catigories. 1. God weighs in and asks me to make a decision one way or another (by speaking to us through scripture, through others or directly). OR 2. God simply leaves the decision up to me, wanting me to know that he is with me and for me - no matter what the outcome. Even if the shit hits the fan - and everything falls apart - God is still with me.
These THREE mecinisims of making decisions as a follower of Jesus are fully integrated in each other.
1. Clear choices about right and wrong (as defined in the bible) when there should be no compromise.
2. Choices when God has spoken (or I believe I have heard God's voice).
3. Choices when God simply leaves the life choice up to me (but asks me, as things become fuzzy and unlear - asks me to revert to trust him - referring back to choice number 1).
Recently our family (maybe mostly me) have been in the midst of deciding if moving to Houston, TX is right thing to do for our family (Dave has been more certain that it IS the right thing to do). Definately, you can't find this answer clearly in scripture (The Hill family should move to Houston!) AND that God hasn't clearly outright said to me and my family "You should move to Texas!" BUT; as we have been considering this decision we have made several small decisions (some seem clearly guided by God and others, not so much). For example deciding to put our house on the market; I don't know if we heard a clear answer to this question - but we thought, one step and one day at a time. As my mom would say; "Do what is in front of you." and "You can only think about today, one day at a time."
The day I put in my resignation at work. I really didn't want to (for various reasons) but mainly because things were still unclear with the house. I was burdened by this. I knew Dave really wanted me too - and I had said I would; but I did NOT want to. I wrote the letter and was sitting in my office - heavy with anxiety, fear, and just the plain lack of desire to walk to my bosses office to give her the letter. I was praying - I felt as if I had to do this - simply because I needed to honor my husband and that God wanted me to do it as well. So, with slow steps of obilgation and a heavy heart I walked to my bosses office; and I did it. The heaviness of this weighed on me the rest of the day. By the time I came home, Dave had heard from our realtor - everything is set and ready to go; it's official, it's really going to happen. The weight lifted; God spoke - affirming my obedience and giving me joy.
Many times I find myself in situations when there may or may not be a clear choice to make. In front of me is a huge challenge to do what seems to be elusively the right or wrong thing to do. I may not realize that there have been a great deal of tiny choices (that we have made right or wrong) that has put me in a scenerio of making a HUGE decision that doesn't seem so clear.
The results of my decisions (even if I have done what is the right thing - or what
I THINK is the right thing) aren't always so happy and easy. God doesn't always immediatly let me feel or see the positive results of making these decisions. It's not easy and God is not a simple God.
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